Unmoored

My mother passed away on January 27th.  It was not unexpected but it was nevertheless a shock to lose someone so important in my life.  I feel like some of the glue in my life is gone and I need to work hard to keep all the pieces from floating away.

Every day I wake up and at some point within the first 5 minutes it hits me that my mother is dead.  And I think "Oh mother."   Because I miss her so.  I want her back.  I'll never have her back.

Over the next few posts I'll share the memories my sister and I shared at her memorial luncheon.

Opening

My father, sister and I thank you for joining us today to share memories of my mother Gisela.  Please bear with my sister and me if we cry a little bit while we’re up here speaking to you.  We’ll simply take a moment to collect ourselves and then carry on - like our mother taught us to do.

Many people use the word strong when they describe my mother.  She fought a hard battle against her body for most of her life. She faced those battles with a seemingly endless supply of courage and a desire to live the life she wanted in spite of her health.  It would appear to most people that her body won this battle in the end.  I tell you that it didn’t.  Her spirit was strong and noble and good and in the end it triumphed over her body as she controlled her own destiny until the very end, coming home to spend her last days surrounded by the love of her family.

My mother was more than strong.  She was curious and intelligent, always reading and learning.  A deep thinker, she loved carrying on long conversations and debates about a wide variety of topics.   If you wanted to debate her though,you had better be well prepared,.  If you weren't she'd eat you alive. 

Those closest to her know she also had a love of laughter and fun.  In so many of the pictures around this room she is laughing.  The best payoff for me when I told a funny story was her laughter.  When I could get her to laugh uncontrollably it was the best feeling in the world.   

My mother will always be a part of me.   I am comforted by the fact that so much of who she was carries on through her grandchildren.  She was so proud of them and I see so much of her in them.  A smart, funny and strong group of people.

Please know that she cared deeply about so many of you here.  In the last few months, as she talked about memories, so many of you came up.   You were an important part of her life and I know she’d be happy that you were here to honor those memories.  

I’d like to share a poem.  My mother had a special relationship with her father-in-law Marty.  They loved many of the same things.  This poem was one of them. 

Invictus

by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

That was my mother.

Shut My Mouth

I don't feel qualified to speak about what is going on in Ferguson.  I don't know what it's like to be targeted as suspicious simply because of the color of my skin.  I don't know what it's like to be pulled over by a police officer for no other reason than being who I am.

I don't like the police.  I don't know why.  I just know that they raise in me an instinctual distrust, a drawing in and at the same time a whole lot of defiance.  A luxury I'm afforded as a white female.  Wonder how brave I'd be if they pulled out their guns on me as I gave them my stoic, evil eyed stare and my smartass mouthiness.  Probably not very.

Saw a post of a friend of a facebook friend about Ferguson that made me just shake my head.  "Unlike them, we're civilized.  Get your gun and be prepared to shoot to kill those who would harm your life, family and property."  Oh the irony.

Couldn't Do It

Deleted my last post.  I'm actually ashamed of how sappy it was.  I can't explain why I lost the desire to blog.  At some point the ideas seemed forced and the entries dwindled.  Has my life become boring, over-examined, have I said all I have to say?  Maybe.

I know that part of it is I lost interest in posting anything related to my political viewpoint.  The more deep the divide between left and right has become the less sway I feel anything I have to say will hold.  The political discourse these days is brutal.  I read the comments of any story posted to any internet news source and it doesn't take long for me to be both sad and scared.  Sad that it to deteriorates into name calling almost immediately.  Scared of the extreme opinions of the right who seem to truly believe that our world is about to collapse because of our President's actions.  And there's no reasoning with them.  Facts are immaterial.  So in the face of that I guess I ended up at "Why bother?"

Well, I know why.  Because every single voice that stands in opposition of the madness will eventually drown them out, I hope.  So, you know what.  Don't send me your campaign literature where you call yourself a "Job creator."  To me that means you oppose raising the minimum wage, something that is long overdue.  Don't proudly proclaim that you support "Protecting Life."  That means you want to control what women do with their bodies.  And your 2nd amendment mantra about the right to protect yourself must surely have some boundaries.  Why not just let everybody have tanks, and missiles and grenades.   Hell, let's arm everyone to the teeth and let it all play out however it goes.  The innocents killed along the way are just the necessary collateral damage offered at the altar of "freedom".  Do you people hear yourselves?

Today I voted in the primary election.  Every Democrat ran uncontested because they have slim chance of being elected in this gerrymandered district.  They'll all be on the ballot in November, I'll vote for them then.  Today I hoped to vote for two Republicans to get them on the ballot.  The Republicans spots all had at least two candidates for each spot (except Governor and Senator).  Some of them are real crackpots.   My plan was to vote for two Republicans today.  Normally this is done to bring the nut job to the ballot in November and increase the Democrats' chances.  No, I wanted to keep the far right fringe as far away from the real ballot as I can.  A "normal" Republican would be refreshing for a change.  Sadly, in Michigan you can only vote all Republican or all Democrat and I couldn't bring myself to vote for Rick Snyder and Terry Lynn Land.  I'm keeping the faith that the Republicans in this district have some sense and don't vote for Kerry Bentovolio or Matthew Edwards.

Meddling Mother

My lovely Miss Erica, eldest child, only daughter and one of the absolute joys of my life is single again after only two years of marriage.  How that happened is not my tale to tell other than to say that this change was gut wrenching for all concerned, each in their own way.   My advice from the start has been to dust yourself off, learn the lessons you need to learn and move on.  Nothing else to do.  You can't change the past so it's wasted time to wish you could.

Now, about Mike Schramm.  I first heard him years ago on a podcast called Wow Insider.   It's about the World of Warcraft, a game which I love and play to this day.  At that time I was part of a raiding guild that spent a good deal of time trying to defeat digital "bosses".  It took coordinated effort and a dedication to achieving the goal.  I was mediocre at best but they needed me because I was a healer and not many people are willing to do such a thankless job.  I tried to improve by learning as much as I could about the game.  That's why I started listening to this podcast.

I liked Mike Schramm's style.  He is easygoing, smart, funny, eager to learn, open minded and not afraid to laugh at himself.  All good qualities in a person.  When he left that podcast and moved on to another I followed.  It was a different format, less formal but a lot of fun to listen to.

Then Mike took a trip to Europe and that's how I discovered his blog.  He's a really good writer, not surprising given the easy way he talks to his podcast audience.  His writing is the same.  At some point I facebook friended him.  His posts make me smile.  When I read and heard he was going to Berlin I messaged him some recommendations for his visit to one of my favorite cities.  He took my advice about a restaurant and I was thrilled to hear him actually mention it on his podcast.  Silly I know, but it was nice to have a semi-personal connection with someone whose work I admired.

Back to my daughter, at some point, during a discussion with her about plenty of fish in the sea I think I said something like "There are plenty of Mike Schramm's out there." She responded with a sigh and asked who Mike Schramm was.  I told her the tale I just told you and then suggested she FB friend him.  She did and she's noticed the same qualities I have, especially his great sense of humor.   I kept telling her I'd be happy to message him that if he liked my restaurant tip he would love the one about meeting my daughter. She absolutely forbade me from doing it.   Fine.

Then Mike started planning a driving trip out west.  He crowd funded his trip as a travel blog and I backed him.  My motive was to support and encourage a great writer.  I really enjoyed reading the blog posts from his European vacation.  I chose the level where I would receive a souvenir from his travels.  Then I received an email from Mike asking me to forward my request for a personal picture since I had qualified for that on top of my souvenir.  That's when the wheels started turning.

I requested the picture above and the affable Mike Schramm happily complied.  My daughter was mortified, well a little embarrassed at least. Maybe they won't ever have dinner but my message remains the same.... there are plenty of Mike Schramm's out there - fours on the four point scale..... smart, funny, handsome and tall..... .sorry, we're a tall family so it merits a point.

Raw

Words come hard when  you lose someone you cared about.  But I feel like they need to be said, or written.  Scott was one of the most genuine people I have ever met and also one of the most intense.  He was like a roller coaster, thrilling and scary and raw.  He died this week after a year long battle with cancer.  Sad.  But as he wrote to me once, "So long as your memories of me live so do I."

Scott was a music lover.  He loved all types of music and felt it in his soul.  To this day I've never seen someone get lost in the music like he did. I'll never forget the day we were riding in the car and heard on the radio that John Lennon had been shot.   He was heartbroken.  He felt it.  Music would never be the same and he knew it.  He was depressed for weeks.  Genuinely depressed.  That's what I mean about real.

He was a writer too, though he came late to it.  When he wrote from the heart that raw intensity of his came through.  I was lucky enough to read his writing over the last few years.  He brought tears to my eyes sometimes.  "I wonder when I die will I become a dream?"

Scott's roller coaster ride was one I couldn't take with him.  He and I broke up thirty years ago.  We both knew it wasn't going to work.  That doesn't diminish what we shared.  It also doesn't make our lives after each other any less meaningful.  He had an impact on who I am today and I can't change that.  Wouldn't want to.  When I have to steel myself to say what needs to be said to someone, no matter how hard, it's Scott behind me. He never cared what anybody thought..... anybody.  When I hear certain songs I hear him singing them, even today.

I wish him well on the journey he travels today.  I'm sure he's telling somebody what's what with a spark in his eye and with a heartfelt passion that is so real it's a wonder to behold.

Heedless of the Wind & Weather

Today I drove by the spot where I lived when my first child was born.  It was back in 1986.  So long ago I have a hard time remembering much from back then.  I do remember that the love for my new baby girl was immediate and complete.  I gazed upon that sweet little monkey face and hoped she would have a happy life.  I still do, every day.  She is a strong young woman who makes me proud.  She'll have her ups and her downs but she can get through most anything.

You never know how things are going to turn out.  You start down a path that you think could only lead to one place, then boom, you find yourself in a completely different spot.  Sometimes it's your own doing, sometimes not, but either way it can be a shock.  It's life though, isn't it?  Moving forward, adjusting, adapting, doing the best you can.  All while you have the time.  Because as we see every day, our time is finite.

Hug the people you love while you can and then eat, drink, and be merry.  Fortunately, tis the season for it.  

Artist

I had a conversation with my husband recently about music.  He and I like the same stuff for the most part.  He gets into the blues a little more than me.... I like it but it doesn't move me as much as Motown, for instance.  I was saying to him that there are just some artists that you can feel their heart and soul in the music.
They do it because they have to do it, not because of the latest deal they made.   The Stones, Beatles, Bowie, were my examples.  Then Bob Seger entered the debate.  Now, I have nothing against Seger.  He's good.  But I wouldn't put him in the same category as the three I just mentioned.   At some point he just started cranking them out.

The conversation came up after we had recently gone to Pine Knob to see the Winter brothers.  When you see Edgar Winter perform Frankenstein on stage you are watching someone who lives the music they play.  It was like watching a virtuoso.  He lived that performance.  Opening for him was Rick Derringer of Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo fame.  Rick also did Hang on Sloopy.  Both respectable songs.... but I'm telling you it just wasn't the same compared to what Edgar did on stage.