Jul 10, 2009

"THE" Day Approacheth

This week the Wedding Planning Committee (daughter < --------- the bride, me, sister, and my two nieces < ----------- bridesmaids) went to the bridal shop. Mission, order two bridesmaid dresses and try on mother-of-the-bride (MOB) dresses.

We MOBs have our own section in these shops. If it’s not very clearly marked you can easily find it by looking for matronly, bag like dresses covered in lace, sequins and feathers. Below are the three dresses that made the cut.

PLUS: Makes me look thin. OK, thinner.
MINUS: Only comes in navy blue - wedding colors are brown & autumn colors.

PLUS: Busty bosoms, not bad for an old broad.
MINUS: Jacket feels weird.

PLUS: Seems closest to my style.
MINUS: They all said it looked like a nightgown.

This is in the "You've got to be kidding" category.

Our saleslady was one mean b*tch. If I had to speculate why, I would guess it involved either a failed marriage or being left at the altar. Whatever the cause, she clearly did not like brides.... or maybe she just didn't like us. Stark contrast to other bridal shop we've been to where the staff have perkiness practically bubbling out of their pores and never fail to "LOVE" everything you try on.

Surly bridal shop girl was the type that pretends she doesn’t understand what you are asking so that you have to rephrase it and then she clicks her tongue and answers as if you have just asked the stupidest question in the world. Here’s an example:

Daughter: If they want to exchange their dresses for a different size, closer to the wedding they can, can’t they?

Surly Bridal Shop Girl: Uh huh.

Daughter: How long does that take?

Surly Bridal Shop Girl: What do you mean? You just come into the shop and if we have the size here, exchange it.

Me: No, she means how long will it take to order it if you don’t have it in the shop? We can't be sure you will have their size.

Surly Bridal Shop Girl: Oh, (tongue click) well in that case it would take 40 days.

How can you be a bridal shop girl and not understand that every female wedding participant on the planet expects to lose two dress sizes between now and the time of the wedding? We’ve seen your racks, you don’t have every size in every style so quit playing stupid.

Note to the men reading this. Stay out of our bridal shops. You are not welcome. It's bad enough that you come into our beauty salons like you own them. Can we please keep this last bastion of female solitude and sanctity? We don't need to be sucking in our guts, hiding the zipper that won't close or wondering if our bra straps are showing.

What are you doing here anyway? Either your girlfriend dragged you here trying to give you a hint (wake up sucker, she is hoping you can picture her in these beautiful gowns) or you are here on your own (ewwww).

Ended the excursion by picking up a pizza (yeah, yeah, I know.... that's no way to lose two dress sizes) and going back to the house to discuss other wedding topics.... favors, decorations etc. Three months left til the big day.


  1. OMG You are hilarious.
    I'm glad I never had to do the MOB routine. My kids did a courthouse judge ceremony - short and sweet.

    I think the B*&ch at the bridal shop needs an attitude adjustment and I think you are just the person to help her out. And I hope she isn't looking for a new job, let's say at your place because I know one interviewer she could not get past. LOL

    Great Post. Loved it. Can't wait to hear more MOB stories.

  2. I like the second one with the uncomfortable jacket.
    Think of all the future tales of kvetch you'll be able to tell!
    But then,I'm a man,..and thus have no opinion.

  3. Rae - We offered to just give them a nice cash gift if they chose the Vegas route.... no go. Daughter has been plannning her wedding since she was about 11 or so.

    Sling - This wedding is just one more thing in a long line of things I suffer and endure for my kids. They have no idea. And thanks for the vote on the dress. You are correct about the value of a man regarding anything wedding. That's what I like about you, you know your place. =)

    July 11, 2009 3:57 PM

  4. I do like the first two dresses. And I do hate surly salesclerks.

  5. I really wish the top one came in a different color than navy blue. Sigh.

    Retail is not for people who don't like people.