How about if I beg?

Oh how I long to open the windows and let some fresh air into the house.  Our climate confused planet is not cooperating though.  Winter just won't let go. It's been cold, rainy and we even had snow a few days ago. An inch or so that lasted about four hours until the dreary wet rain washed it away.  This is freaking ridiculous already.  I remember Easter egg hunts in the snow but they were always in March, not April. I should be wearing flip flops by now..... well, maybe not.  Though certainly sweaters should be replacing coats and hats by now.  No end in sight.  This cold rainy weather is supposed to linger for at least the next five days.

I want to go to the German Park and drink beer from buckets, eat bratwurst and spaetzle.  I want to play cards while lederhosen and dirndl clad teenagers clop around under the pavilion as accordions play polkas over the loudspeaker.  I want to watch old German ladies dance on the picnic tables as they slosh their beers around to the beat.  I want to see some German beer hall fights that I promise to do my best to stay out of.

I want to go to the dog park and find some young kid that is fascinated by Mario's frisbee skills, throwing it over and over again for him.  Finally giving up in exhaustion.  That dog will keep on going as long as there are frisbees to catch.  I want to watch Leo the pekingnese bark boldly at the dogs as they chase balls into the river.  Demanding that they stop making such spectacles of themselves.  I want to watch Chance sniff around the edges of the fence and pretend he doesn't hear me when I call.

I want to roll the windows down while I'm driving and turn the radio up really loud.  Nobody can hear you singing along if the music is loud enough.  I can't even hear myself.  I want to acquire that deep dark left arm tan from hanging it out the window.  I want to smell the rain as it first hits the hot, dry pavement.  I want goosebumps form the air conditioner instead of these record breaking cold temperatures.

I want to go golfing.  To ride around in the cart with both legs propped up on the dash, stubby little white socks poking out of my golf shoes.  Hanging onto the roof for dear life as my husbands zips around the course.  I want to get a hot dog at the turn.  I want to lose track of how many shots I've made and settle for a reasonable number to put on the score card.

I want to lay in bed at night and hear the crickets chirping.  Listen to the planes as they pass overhead.  I want to wake to the birds singing in my window.  I don't care how early they start.   Especially the one that sounds like the Muppets' Swedish Chef....... verdy, verdy, verdy...... I have to add the bork, bork, bork myself.  The Swedish bird doesn't sing that part.

It's not too much to ask for.  Isn't anybody listening?.  I want summer damn it!  I want it now. I'll settle for spring, please.

Such is Life

For various reasons I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately.  I have felt anxiety, anger, grief, sorrow and helplessness.  Some of the things causing these feelings were within my control so I calmed myself, said what I had to say and did what I had to do.  Some of these things were due to my mistakes.  I seem to make a mess of things sometimes.  Even though I’m a mostly well intentioned person I can often be thoughtless and careless.  I apologized, tried to make things better and hopefully learned from my mistakes.

Some of the things going on are totally out of my control, troublesome situations, not serious, but still emotionally draining.   I can not change the circumstance.  All I can do is change my reaction to it.  Adjust, adapt and make the best of it if for me and the others in the same situation.  This particular situation has a time limit. There is an end, not in the immediate future but out there on the horizon.  This one is going to be sort of an endurance contest, a test of my ability to control my temper over and over again so I don’t make a life changing mistake.    

The worst thing going on right now affects me only indirectly.  It is directly affecting the people that I love most dearly in the world.  There is nothing I can do but offer my love and support and be there if I’m needed.  I have no answers to offer about why life is so unfair.  Hell, it’s got me wondering the same thing.  I have no way to make this better as much as I wish I could.  This is weighing heavy on my heart and mind.  I think about it constantly.   I am coping by trying to be thankful for every day, for my loved ones and to not take anything for granted.  

I Think I've Got This Figured Out

My family is currently addicted to the game Settlers of Catan.  We've played three times so far.  Tonight will be the fourth time.  I haven't won yet and even though I'm a sore loser I still have fun.  It's sort of a cross between Risk and Monopoly.  There's some strategy involved and some luck.

We had a bit of fun the first night when we realized that everybody was stacking their game pieces  (settlements, cities and roads) in ways that corresponded with their professions.

THE ACCOUNTANT

THE TEACHER

THE CIVIL ENGINEER

MY HUSBAND MADE A PENIS (GO FIGURE)

Building is key.  You need resources to build.  You get resources from rolls that correspond to hexes you have buildings on.  Building is key.

You can also trade resources with other players.  At least until you get close to winning.  At that point nobody wants to help you advance.  They all turn on you.  Of course I've only witnessed this second hand.  I've never experienced it because I've never come even close to winning (pout - have I mentioned I'm a bad loser before?)  Trading keeps everyone involved and interested in every turn.

At any point that a 7 is rolled the robber is activated and anybody with over 7 resource cards loses half of them.  This is brutal when you roll it on yourself.  This keeps the incentive high to build instead of hoard cards.  Things move fast.

So, tonight I've cooked up some chili, baked a pineapple angel food cake and purchased some fruity malt beverages.  I think tonight is my night.  You see, I've read some strategy guides.  They're sure to help. Shhhhh....... don't tell anyone.  One of the keys to success is to keep a low profile while pointing out to everybody else how awesome someone else is doing.

I'm Just Trying to Make Everyone Happy

Someone once told me I should have chosen mediation as a profession.  I took it as a compliment.  I like it when everyone gets along.  I often find myself in the middle trying to get two opposing sides to reach a solution that is workable for both parties.  This came in handy back when I was settling fights between my children.  These days I use this talent most often at work. Although it can come in handy when trying to get my family to all agree on what restaurant we're going to eat at.

I'm not much for psycho-analyzing everything.  I usually have no interest in trying to figure out why I am the way I am.  But this one I do have figured out.  My Dad had a very short temper, (he's mellower these days).   He wasn't cruel or abusive.  He just went from calm to raging in seconds flat if something set him off.  Sometimes small, insignificant things set him off.  I coped with this in two ways.  I always tried to make everyone laugh because if you're laughing you can't yell and be angry.  Stage two if the humor thing wasn't working and things got tense - calm things down by adding perspective, by reasoning - mediate.

The key to successful mediation is to get people to see someone else's perspective.  This is challenging when ego or selfishness gets in the way.  Stupid people offer their own challenges to the process.  Focus being their biggest hurdle.  It's all worth the challenge though.  There's nothing more satisfying than averting disaster and having everybody walk away feeling as if they got at least part of what they were hoping for.  Not necessarily winners but not losers either.  Workable.  

Being a mediator, a peacemaker, has its down side.  The fact that I desire harmony leads people to believe that I won't take a stand.  They think I'm a pushover or that I'm afraid of confrontation.  It's not true.  I won't be backed into a corner or bullied.   I won't stand by and watch other people be mistreated.  I won't nod and agree that something harmful or stupid or immoral is the right thing to do.  Underestimate me at your own peril.  :-)    That sounds more ominous than I meant it to so I added a smiley face.

You Can't Make Me

This is one of my favorite pictures.   Partly because we are so happy.  Though the reason I really like it is it shows the lengths we'll  go to for this stupid dog we love so much.

It was during a camping trip up north.  I don't remember where, some state park, Cheboygan maybe.  We were walking some trails in the park and came to a bridge.  It was coated with a sort of sand paper type material meant to prevent slips.  Chance clearly didn't like it.  He gingerly walked about 10 yards across the bridge.   Then one of his nails got caught in a gap between the boards.  He yelped.

He absolutely refused to move any further.  No amount of pulling, coaxing, yelling or cajoling was going to get Chance to move either forward or backward.  We had no choice but to carry him.  It was a long bridge.  And yes we carried him back across after our hike was over with too.

SUBJECT CHANGE
From now I am going to "like" every health/sickness/medical testing related facebook status that in my opinion goes too far.  I'm sure to lose some friends over it but I might as well go out making a statement.

It's OK to mention you are fighting a cold, going for a checkup....... simple updates with not too private information.  But some people go too far.  I do not need to know you are scheduling an appointment to get your tubes tied.  I don't want to read word for word the report you got on your CAT scan.  I don't need daily updates on the tests you are having to determine what is causing you to vomit incessantly.

Don't you people have email accounts?  Because truly, only your friends are interested.  And they're probably faking it.  

Soulfood

If I had to choose between music and books I don't know what I'd do.  Fortunately that's one of those stupid hypothetical questions that I'll never have to answer.

 I love books.  I haven't been without a book since about the age of 8.   I've read so many, good and great.   I quit wasting my time on mediocre books long ago.  The written word can be a beautiful thing.  Good stories transport me to different worlds.  One well crafted sentence can make me not only appreciate it on its own merit, but also make me look deep into my thoughts, beliefs and ideas.  Books have shaped my view of the world.  

But music....... well, music can stir me to the core of my being.  I close my eyes, feel the beat, let myself get lost in every note.   Turn it up.......   my life has a soundtrack.  So many songs take me back to past times in my life and make me remember how happy I was, or how sad.  And they do it over and over again, every time I hear them.

When I hear Roy Orbison & Patsy Cline I can see my parents dancing around the living room in the mid 60's.  Jackson 5 and the Monkees take me back to the bubble gum stuff I listened to in the early 70's.  Teenage years were spent listening to Bob Seger, Fleetwood Mac and Pink Floyd.  The early 80's was a musical awakening when I was exposed to new sounds by my first love.  David Bowie, Sly Stone, Motown, Beatles, too many to list.  I still have my favorites.  Music I listen to over and over again.

I'm not a music fanatic.  My memory is too bad to remember every band's name, let alone the songs and what albums they come from.  But I know what I love.  I know it when I hear it and to this day it can transform me.  

Other than a few favorites that have been read over and over again, there are few books that stir such emotion in me.  Books feed my brain and quench my thirst for new information.  But music feeds my soul.  I don't think I could live without it.

Virtuoso Wannabe

The day I took up the violin was the day I had to finally admit I was truly a geek.  Oh, I had sort of known before that but the violin pretty much sealed the deal.  The only reason I chose the violin over the flute was because strings started in fifth grade and band in sixth.  Patience is not one of my strong suits.

Carrying a violin case in my neighborhood, in front of my "friends" was like painting a big red target on my back.  Add in all the books I was always reading, the dorky clothes my mother made me wear and I was doomed.  I'll never forget the laughter and the ridicule.  Pure humiliation. Stupid, stupid...... what was I thinking.

It took me two years to ditch that violin.  My parents had spent so much money on it I had to commit to it for at least a little while.  But I wasn't going to carry that damn thing into Jr. High.  At the end of sixth grade I made up some lame excuse and told Mr. Osborne, my violin teacher I wouldn't be continuing.  I'll never forget the sad look on his face.  Oh, to relive that day.

I spent the next nine years trying to be a hard-ass, a tough girl, a burnout.  That's how you fit in where I came from.  I didn't do a very convincing job.  People who knew me really well weren't convinced.  Neither was I.  And you know what?  I wasn't happy either.  It's very stressful to try and be somebody your'e not.

I wish I could go back in time and give the 12 year old me some advice.  Who gives a flying f**k what anybody thinks?  Conformity is easy, different is hard.  Hard always pays more rewards than easy in the end.  Fitting in?  Don't waste your time.  It doesn't get you anywhere.  I tried hard to teach my kids that lesson.  I think I did, didn't I?

Anybody know where I can get some violin lessons?