Irreconcilable Differences

Top ten things that may cause my divorce.

1. Kitchen towels on the counter. How hard is it to hang the towel back where it belongs? We hang our kitchen towels on the bar of the oven door. Well, I hang them there anyway. He tosses them on the closest flat surface. Sometimes even the stovetop.

2. Trees. Last year he started a landscaping project. Step one,cut down trees. A few of them needed to go because of tree blight..... sounds biblical doesn't it? But he also cut down some perfectly good shade trees. He didn't like them because they were both fruit bearing. One was a beautiful apple tree that shaded the deck out back. Every day, after the fruit started to fall, our dog Chance would bring an apple in that he had found laying on the ground outside. I found it amusing. My husband found it annoying. End of apple tree. We are now on phase two of the tree project which is to move three HUGE pine trees from one side of the house to fill in the bare spots left by the trees he cut down last year. I want my backyard back.

3. Not putting my car keys back in my purse. This is never discovered until I am rushing to get to work in the morning. He knows what's coming when he hears me stomping up the stairs. "Ummm, where are my keys?" I feel no sympathy for him having to jump out of bed and search the whole house for my keys. I don't even feel bad about the few times they ended up actually being in my purse.

4. Not cleaning out the cottage cheese container from his lunch box. He just tosses it into the sink. I hate the smell and look of cottage cheese. Even the word "curd" freaks me out a little. Perhaps I have some repressed trauma involving cottage cheese.

5. Mis-pronouncing words on purpose. It's turned into sort of a game for him now. Names are the worst. I just pretend I don't know what or who he is talking about and keep repeating it back to him in a questioning voice. He is forced to eventually tell me what he really means. Only a matter of time til he gets a work-around for my current strategy.

To be fair I am giving him equal time on this list. Items 6-10 are all my fault.

6. Shoes everywhere. I tend to take my shoes off in different places all over the house and just leave them there. I really don't notice them until it's time to clean house and then I have to get a laundry basket and fill it with shoes to take to the closet.

7. I play a lot of World of Warcraft. Three nights a week raiding, three hours per night and at least a little bit of time each day to do my daily quests, check my mail, level my alt. WOW has 11 million subscribers because it is a never ending pursuit of multiple objectives. No one person could do them all and they keep adding more. Plus it is a social game so you make friends with the people you play with. He doesn't understand because he hasn't played an electronic game since "Pong" in the 70's.

8. I buy a lot of books. As a result I have stacks and stacks of books throughout the house. What with all my WOW playing my stack of unread books is growing faster than I have time to read them.

9. Milk in the cereal bowl left on the counter. I don't know why I don't rinse it out. I can't drink it, yuck, too sweet, but I can't bring myself to pour it down the drain. So I just leave it. Well, the cat likes milk and is perfectly happy to take care of it for me. Problem is my husband hates the cat being on the counter.

10. I don't save leftovers. His mother was a firm believer in never wasting any food. My family usually gave the dog the leftovers or just threw them away. There were exceptions, but we certainly never saved mashed potatoes. And now that I mention it I have to turn this into a "top eleven" things list.

11. A fridge full of leftovers. His leftover containers pile up with old ones getting pushed to the back of the fridge. There they sit until I need room for some newly purchased groceries. I have to empty all the moldy, rotten food down the garbage disposal and clean the containers.